Dealing with Postpartum Anxiety

I debated writing this post. It’s very personal, and not something I like talking about. But this blog is to document my postpartum journey, and this is part of it. Plus, if it can help another new mom or mom-to-be then it’s worth it.

Before Braxton, the only thing I ever worried about was paying the bills and public speaking. I never had anxiety and playing games on my phone was the only thing that kept me up at night.

But it started right when he was born. That first night in the hospital, Braxton slept all night. (The one and only time he’s done this.) I couldn’t sleep at all. I thought it was just adrenaline from just having had a baby and didn’t think twice about it. But every 2 minutes I was checking to make sure he was still breathing. I worried that he was too cold, and then when we swaddled him, I worried he would overheat. I worried the swaddle would somehow cover his face and he would suffocate. I worried every time someone came to pick him up that they wouldn’t support his neck enough or accidentally drop him. I thought this was normal new mom jitters.

(My view of him from the hospital bed that first night.)

It got worse when we went home from the hospital. I stopped sleeping all together. Convinced that if I fell asleep, I would wake up and he would have stopped breathing. My husband and mom and other family would offer to stay up with him so I could sleep. I would let them but I still couldn’t sleep well. I was scared they would fall asleep holding him and suffocate him. I was beyond tired but I didn’t trust anyone with my baby.

When my husband went back to work, it got even worse. I would read stories about mothers being attacked in the parking lot while getting their baby in the carseat and so I never went anywhere. Too scared that it would happen to me. Even going on a stroller walk by myself with Braxton gave me anxiety. The fear of something happening to Braxton began to cripple me. I would constantly look up cases, symptoms, causes and ways to prevent SIDS. I was beyond scared that this would happen and became obsessed with trying to do everything possible to avoid it. I was even scared to give him a bath. I was sure that he would swallow some water and it would fill his lungs and he would dry drown in his sleep later. Once, I found a spider in his room and I became terrified that there were tons of spiders hiding in his room and would attack him when he slept and I would find him being eaten by spiders in the morning. Not even joking. I made Blair go out and buy indoor spider spray. But then I was worried that the spray would have poison that would hurt the baby… Have you ever watched ‘Friends’? There’s an episode after Rachel had her baby girl and they accidentally locked themselves out of the apartment with the baby inside. Rachel freaks out:

Rachel: Oh, no! What if she jumped out of the bassinet!?
Ross: Can’t hold her own head up… but yeah, jumped.
Rachel: Oh, my God! I left the water running!
Ross: Rachel, relax. You did not leave the faucet running.
Rachel: Did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven’t cooked since 1996!
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if the window’s open, a bird could fly in there and —
Ross: Oh, my God, you know what, I think you’re right! I think — you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon… no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird’s aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that’s true.

I totally understand how Rachel felt now. No one really talks about postpartum anxiety. You hear a lot about postpartum depression. And that makes sense because depression is very serious and dangerous for both mother and baby. But anxiety is also very hard for a new mother to deal with. And I know I wasn’t being the best mother I could be with so little sleep and shielding my baby from seeing the world.

(We did a lot of selfies and snapchatting while locking ourselves indoors.)

After realizing that feeling this way wasn’t normal and it wasn’t just new mom jitters, I started connecting with other new moms and learned about postpartum anxiety and ways to cope. I still get some anxiety at night, (I make Blair sometimes check to see if Braxton is breathing before I can fall asleep) and transitioning him to sleep in his own room wasn’t easy for me. (If he’s sick during the day, I still have him sleep next to our bed so I can watch/hear him better.) But it’s getting better. I have taken him out on errands with me alone, I let Blair take him in a big swimming pool without freaking out that he would drop him and he’d drown, and I’m not afraid to let other people watch him. (Although he’s going through a clingy phase where he doesn’t want a bottle and only wants his mama.) Baby steps for mama too. We’re getting there, and I can’t wait to show him everything this world has to offer.

(Braxton’s first time in a big swimming pool!)