When you start having children, the expectation is that they become your entire world. To do anything outside of them is considered selfish and turns into “mom guilt.” This includes taking any time for yourself or buying anything just for yourself. But both are actually important parts of keeping your identity and making sure your own “cup” is full, because if it isn’t you can’t fully take care of others.
I never understood the concept of mom guilt until I had Braxton. But it started right after he was born. I wasn’t working so I felt like taking care of his very need fell solely on me. Even when he was waking up every 45 minutes at night for months on end, I didn’t ask my husband for help because in my mind he was working to pay the bills so I should be able to forgo sleep for him. It was after 9 months of literally no sleep that I finally broke down in the middle of the night. My husband woke up to me sobbing and saying I couldn’t do it anymore. He felt horrible because even though he knew the baby wasn’t sleeping well, he had no idea what I was going through mentally and physically. It was affecting my mood, attitude, and day to day life. I was so tired I couldn’t even focus during the day, I never put on make up or dressed out of pj’s during the week, and I hardly ever left the house. I had severe “baby blues” that bordered on depression. I also never asked for time to myself because again, I felt like “I didn’t deserve it.” But then I would also feel resentful towards my husband when he would go spend hours playing golf or soccer.
(Pictures of Braxton and me in the early days that I posted on Instagram. This proves that those little squares don’t tell you the whole story.)
We finally talked about it and I realized that it’s not selfish to take time for yourself. I started asking for help at night, and we would take turns asking to do things on our own. Even if it were something small for myself like an hour away from the baby to get my nails done, it made a world of difference in how I felt when I got home. I was happier and starting to feel like me again.
The problem though isn’t just feeling guilty yourself, it’s also feeling judgement from others when *gasp* you leave the baby with someone else. We recently went on a date night with some friends. We went out to a nice dinner and got some drinks while my mom watched the kids. My mom doesn’t live very far away and she cherishes the time she gets to spend with her grandkids. But I was judged by people I don’t even know for leaving my 4 month old baby and going out. Society fuels the mom guilt. But fostering healthy relationships with other adults, especially your spouse is so important. So don’t let what other people stop you from dating your husband or spending time with your friends. They are the people who will help you through the tough times as a mom.
Self care is critical to moms. Postpartum depression is real, and it can’t always be avoided since it’s more about hormones, but not giving up something you love doing just because your a mom can help. I know it’s hard to take time for yourself when you have a newborn. So even just having your husband watch the baby so you can lock the bathroom door and take a bubble bath for an hour will do wonders for yourself. One thing I’ve learned is that dad’s are just as capable for caring for babies as mom’s. It’s sometimes tricky with exclusively breastfed babies, but you usually have at least 2 hours between feedings to do something for yourself. So do it. Whatever that might be. Go get yourself a massage or pedicure, buy that beautiful sweater or boots you’ve been eyeing, or just put on a face mask and hide in the bathroom with wine and chocolate. Because you’ll come back a better mom to your baby. Make sure your own cup is full, before you try to fill others. You deserve it. Moms are truly real life superheroes.
(Most dad’s love spending time with just their kids too. They just don’t think about asking if you need a break, so speak up!)
