First of all, thank you to Lauren from @la.sack on Instagram for suggesting this post! It’s something that I worried about all throughout my pregnancy, but luckily it’s been a surprisingly smooth transition for us. Here’s what worked for us. I know every baby is different, and every toddler has different needs but hopefully something in this will connect with you!
Before Kaley was born, we started preparing Braxton for what was to come. We talked about the baby constantly, and for Christmas that year we got Braxton a Manhattan Baby Doll. (We got the boy doll because I really thought we were going to have a boy.) When we started pulling out Braxton’s old baby items from the attic, like the carseat and swing, Braxton would practice using them with his baby doll. I feel like this is usually always done with little girls because playing with dolls is so natural to them, but it’s equally important for boys. It’s not necessarily the act of playing with a doll, it’s more about the importance of teaching them to be gentle and how to hold and care for a baby.
The day Kaley was born was tough for Braxton. He has only ever spent 1 night away from me, and there was a jealousy over the baby getting to spend time with us and not him. (He was staying with my mom.) We tried to make it exciting for him, and even got him a present “from the baby” to hopefully make it sting less for him. But when he left the hospital with my mom, I felt so anxious because it didn’t go like I had hoped. The day we were released, I called my mom right away and told her to meet us at the house because I missed him and wanted him home. She told Braxton he was going to get to go home and see mommy, daddy and baby. He apparently started crying and saying “no baby”. That broke my heart. But as soon as he got home and realized we were all going to get to be together again, he was fine. His jealously seemed to disappear instantly and he wanted to hold and love on the baby. He kept calling her “my baby”.
Blair took 1 week off work, and another week working from home. This was so helpful in the transition and recovery period. He was able to give Braxton lots of one on one time, and be able to take him out of the house while I stayed with the baby. (Those first few weeks when you are homebound are tough for little ones who love going outside and are constantly on the go.)
Once Blair was back at work full time, I had to come up with a plan to manage both kids without Braxton feeling bored or left out, finding time to nurse Kaley while she cluster fed, and make sure I didn’t go crazy. Tip number 1 is to not make your toddler be quiet while the baby is napping. Babies actually love noise because the noise they hear in the womb is actually very loud. Also, it helps them get accustomed to sleeping with noise because let’s face it, no toddler can be quiet for very long. Braxton has always slept with a sound machine, and we got the same one for Kaley because it does help as well. (My sister also gifted us a portable sound machine which helps when you are on the go!)
Tip number 2 is to keep the toddler busy. While I did allow more screen time then usual, I also started making sure to ask Braxton to “help me” whenever possible. This is a super helpful tip because I think no matter the age, toddlers and preschoolers love feeling important and involved. Even if it was something small, like getting me a diaper or the burp cloth, it made him feel useful. I made sure to make the most of Kaley’s nap times to play with him even if I was completely exhausted. When I needed to get something done, like laundry during nap time, I would find ways he could help me. Folding laundry is difficult for a 3 year old. But while I folded laundry, I would ask him to go through it and find and take out all the socks. Then once he had all the socks, I would tell him to match them up. This kept him occupied, and was a great exercise in matching. If Kaley is awake while I am trying to get something done, like cooking, I’ll ask Braxton to “watch her” or “entertain sissy” and he is more then happy to do that. He’ll bring his toys over to her and show them to her and talk about them. Or bring her teethers to her and make sure she is ok. If she starts crying or whining, he’ll sing to her. It’s not only the sweetest thing, but it’s also actually super helpful. While I nurse, he’ll either bring his toys next to me and self play, or he’ll bring me a book and I’ll read to him while I nurse. (Sometimes he’ll want to “read” the book to me and I love that. It keeps me entertained too because his imagination is wild.)
When Blair gets home from work, he tries to give Braxton some one-on-one time. This makes him feel special and he looks forward to it. It’s kind of like his reward for “helping mama” all day. Sometimes it’s going up to H-E-B (grocery store) to get something I need to make dinner with, and sometimes it’s just taking him out in the backyard to play. Either way, Braxton loves it and it gives me some time to one-on-one bond with the baby.
I have an older sister who is 2 years older then me. My mom always told me that she felt guilty because when I was born it forced my sister to grow up and she became like a mini mom to me. I didn’t understand that until now. Braxton always seemed so little to me. But the day we got home from the hospital with Kaley, it was like he grew up overnight. He suddenly looked so old and big. And each day he would surprise me with how much he knew, and how much he actually helped me with the transition of having 2 kids. I finally understood my mom because I also felt guilty, like I was making him grow up too fast. So when he asks for extra cuddles, wants me to carry him, or gets up early on purpose to have extra alone time with just me, I remind myself not to get frustrated no matter how tired I am. I want him to still feel like my baby. I want him to still always play with his toys even though I think it’s so sweet when he wants to help me vacuum or dust. I’m lucky he has handled the transition to being a big brother with such grace, and his love for his little sister is beyond measure.
Lastly, set your expectations low for the day and give yourself grace. I’m the type of person who likes to have a list of things I want to accomplish. But the problem was, I was stressing myself out everyday trying to get it all done while taking care of two kids. So instead, I would just tell myself one thing I wanted to accomplish that day. In the first few days of newborn life, sometimes that one thing would just be to take a shower. As the days went on, I would try to be more ambitious and that “one thing” to accomplish would extend to cleaning the kitchen, or vacuuming the floors, or a load of laundry. Give yourself grace and don’t overextend yourself. Remember the newborn days may seem long, but they fly by and slowing down and enjoying the chaos is better for your soul then a clean house.
So beyond the tips of “have them help you” or “give them alone time with each parent” I think my biggest tip is just to not stress about it. You’ll survive, and you’ll figure out a new daily life schedule. The dishes might not get done everyday, and the house might be a wreck for awhile, but you’ll figure it out. And no matter what, your kids will love you and each other.
